The Zoo of Hangzhou is in my stomach. That's a well known Chinese childhood song that I just made up. However, it is clearly a true statement. Allow me to explain.

As most of you don't know and don't care, I spent the more pleasurable half of this month in a part of China called Hangzhou, a provincial city of magic, myth, and mayhem. There, the following creatures were consumed by me...



+ the usual dishes of fish, crabs, chicken, beef, pork, and mystery meat.

Had I been given the opportunity, would I have dined on dogs in cat paw sauce? You know the answer to that.

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You know your cholesterol's high when your piss smells like butter. Such was the sad state of urinary affairs for Fabio Lanzoni, which promptly led to his notorious catch phrase: "I can't believe it's not butter!"

Anyway, I was chatting with our good friend middaymoon earlier today, and he told me what originally drew him to our community was the history behind it. (He actually put history in quotes, like so "history," but, here, I have decided to remove quotes, because I think it implies an aire of fabrication.) The history of NuTang, as short and sweet as it is long and bitter, starts, of course, on the Island of Ishbu. Many say it actually starts with Papagoya, the inventor of PPGY and later xPPGY technology.

Alas, many have wondered, but no one--to my recollection--has ever asked me, "Where exactly is the Island of Ishbu?" The island is actually closer than you think, but farther than any other place on Earth (if you're positioned somewhere specifically just to make such a condition true). "Is it here? Or, is it there?" Well, actually, it is neither here nor there, but rather, it's jaki-maliakieare.

In other news, it is now 2009. THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS IT'S NOT 2008 ANYMORE!!!! (Sorry, I had to put it in capital letters to put emphasis on that universally known statement.) Is this the year Dinosaurs will return and dominate the world?


You tell me!

Finally, let's all take a moment to revere Dilated. I'm serious.

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So, yesterday, I cooked eggplant for the first time in my life. I made sweet & sour fish and eggplant. The fish tasted a bit interesting, but I got used to it after a few bites.

Anyway, it finally came clear to me why an eggplant was named as such: "eggplant." It's because the eggplant is filled with yolks, ranging from 2-5 for a typical eggplant. Mine had 4, so I should be content. Well, there's a fun fact for all your big kids and little adults to share with your family, friends, strangers, antelope monkeys, citizens of utopia, self-righteous assholes, road warriors, conquistadors, martyrs, saints, playas, ballas, cockroach munchers, inconceivable beings, praying mantii, jungle loafers, murderers, suicide kings, drama queens, little princesses, care bears, poetic puppets, peeping toms, camera chasers, lollipop lickers, astronomical autobots [per the-muffin-man's request], bellowing buccaneers, candid cops, decadent decepticons, elegant elephants, foo fighters, girly gorrilas, hollow hipsters, indigo iguanas, jocular jackals, kung-fu khans, laminated losers, melodramatic mothers, naked nuns, opulant octopii, particular pimps, quixotic quakers, ridiculous rhinos, sexy savants, terrible ticklers, underworld uncles, voodoo valentines, woeful waifs, xenophobic xanthippes, yelling yesmen, and zealous zebras.

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Three and a half years ago, in May of 2005, I graduated. Two and a half years ago, I graduated (again). At the time of graduation, I was filled with hope and enthusiasm for the future. I felt ambitious and motivated. I felt like the number 4 in a caravan of letters.

And now, in 2008, with the economy battered and wildfires spreading rampant in southern California, like doves flapping in a bowl of egg yolk, I find myself in a very different state than I had previously imagined myself to be in (2.5 years ago). Instead of asking myself, "Should I super-size my value meal or should I indulge in a parfait?" I am asking myself a much more stark and trying question: "Should I clasp onto the brink of civilization and continue to live in a barely furnished apartment or should I not and become a homeless person, instead?" A question (and sentence) of such a long-winded nature bears much reflection.

By far, my biggest expense is my monthly rent. And with the apartment, come additional liabilities, namely utilities, and hassles, like checking my mail and locking my door. To survive in 21st-century America, do I really need an apartment? Can I overcome life's challenges without shelter, but only with my will to live? Am I ready to begin a new chapter in my life, to embrace the noble and ancestral state of homelessness?

Imaginary reader and friend, please help me answer this question. Your input is greatly valued, like a turtle values the shell painted on a raccoon's back. Time is of the essence, for the lease to my current apartment in Los Angeles ends on 12/31/2008. And, as I've now come to realize, 12/31/2008 is my day of judgment. Only then will it happen...

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Several weeks later, I still find myself sharing this video and laughing my genitals off.



There's also a video showing the actual episode that aired, but it seems I'm unable to find it again on youtube. How unbelievably unfortunate.

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Alright, so not quite $700B... but I am in the process of going through the backlog of NuTang payout requests. Sorry for the wait. And, Kuri, thanks for the facebook msg!

Anyway... I plan to make payouts today (to as many members as possible) until my paypal account runs dry. It takes 3-5 business days to transfer in more funds. So, if you don't receive your payout today, and you have requested payout, and you have not received a note from me, then fret not. You will receive your payment within a week.

In other news... as many of you may already know, our fellow member Praetorian has volunteered his most generous service to the betterment of the community. Going forward, he will drive much of the development of the site. We have had some discussions already -- with many more to come -- regarding the imrpovement of our cozy lil online world.

Help me thank the legendary Praetorian by gazing at him in awe and fear!

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