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dave
Age. 34
Gender. Male
Ethnicity. Chinese
Location Valley Village, CA
School. Cornell Univ
» More info.
The Challenge - Facts 1 to 50 of 100
219th day of 2010
Am I nuttz to accept the challenge? This question, plus many more or less, may or may not be answered in the 100 facts below. Being the oldest person on NuTang by 2 or more years, I have collected many facts in my lifetime. But, let us start from the very beginning.

1. Once upon a time, in the decade of the rainbow plague, I was born.

2. I was born into a time of disease and tragedy, and resultantly, the world was in turmoil. In fact, the land I was born in, Pangeasia, is no longer on the modern map.

3. At the tender age of 3, I decided to move to the modern world. To do this, I took a modern globe, spun it, and then stopped it with my finger. That was how I chose my destination.

4. That was how I landed in New Jersey. Back then, it was really new and called Nuevo Jorge.

5. When I first arrived in NJ, I had nothing in my pockets, but a bucket of gold and diamonds.

6. Using those raw materials, I constructed an abacus, which I traded to a baker for a loaf of bread.

7. I planted that loaf to grow a bread tree. It was deliciously crispy.

8. I turned that bread tree into a successful company. I founded a bread company called Dave's Doves.

9. In a matter of minutes, I become known as the Bread Baron. My reputation of being a merciless business, driving small bakeries all around the country out of business and forcing them to become car salesmen, soon took the land.

10. That was brilliant advertising campaign. Increased sales by 300% with a payback period of 8 months.

11. But little did I realize, tragedy would strike again. The Crazy Wildfire of the 1990s burned down my entire bread grove.

12. At the brink of bankruptcy, I sold Dave's Doves to a soap company for a measley bar of soap.

13. Realizing the important symbolism and meaning this soap carried, I carved the soap into a national monument.

14. Otherwise known as the Lincoln Memorial.

15. At around that time, I fell into a bout of depression and would eat nothing but high protein corn flakes.

16. Nothing could get me inspired and motivated. After losing everything I worked so hard for at the age of 8, I felt I lost the will to live. That is... until I met my first love.

17. I met my first love when I was taking a dump.

18. I was thumbing through the latest copy of Maxim, when a crinkly slip of paper fell out. The paper smelled like feces or maybe that was the bathroom. I wasn't sure. Little did I know, this slip of paper would change my life irreparably.

19. The paper was a letter of distress, signed Amber.

20. What was written in this letter you wouldn't believe. So, I'm not going to spend any more facts on it. Rather, let's talk about my birthday that year. It was my 9th birthday and it took place in an ice cave.

21. The funny thing is my birthday started on top of a mountain. Mount Everclear to be exact, located between the Himahapas and the Nordic Pacific Coast.

22. I had invited all of my best friends, from high ranking officials of the 8 Great Powers to lowly scum that I lured to my party to kill.

23. At the time, volcanocology studies was still in its pre nascient state. Little did we know, our mountain peak was surrounded by a ring of volcanos.

24. Today, this area is called the Circle of Fire of Volcanos of Eruption.

25. Halfway into my birthday party people, it happened. The ring of volcanos all exploded simultaneously. This caused 2 geographical mega shifts to occur.

26. To understand the first, you must realize that when a volcano explodes, it requires incredible energy. Per conservation of energy, at the time of explosion, a volcano literally sucks all thermodynamic and kinetic energy from the surrounding radius of up to 75 miles, depending on the blast. Zanzibar, back me up on this. Now, with something like 27 volcanos all erupting simultaneously, this caused a phenomenon called negative energy at the mountain peak we were located on.

27. The second has to do with land mass shift. When a volcano explodes, it spews out a lot of magma (commonly known as hot dirt). The magma is usually created from surrounding mountains. Now, as you can imagine when 27 volcanos explode in the same area, it must suck up literally any body of land that isn't a volcano. As it were the case, the mountain my birthday party was on immediately was repurposed into magma.

28. The consequence was something this world has never seen before. Ice Cavity Implosion.

29. Many scientists and scientologists argue that ICI is impossible. However, having lived it, I know it is.

30. My birthday mountain was instantly transformed into an ice cavern. Not only that, but we were trapped.

31. It took almost 7 years for the ice prison we were in to melt. Luckily, those were whale years, so when I finally got out, I was ony 11.

32. Unluckily, tragedy struck again. I was the only person to survive.

33. In those 7 whale years, I also mastered the wushu arts of Monkey Claw and Dragon Snarl.
34. Years later, Monkey Claw would save my life when I battled my mortal enemy, Palm Tree Carmelo.

34. Years before that, Dragon Snarl would save my life when I battled my mortal enemy, Pineapple Fist Park.

35. After crawling out of that ice cavern, I realized I was no longer in Kansas.

36. My name is also not Dorothy. It's Dave. Up until that point in my life, I would always sign 'D,' so people sometimes got confused.

36. I decided I wanted to live a simple life.

37. So, I took up the witch craft of rock n roll.

38. I joined a revolutionary band called Nirvana.

39. After a few months, our frontman fell in love with a witch and disappeared.

40. It is rumoured that the witch turned into a giant moose and locked him forever in her rib cage.

41. Then, she flew to the endless desert of Zardune where she has lived ever since.

42. As a result, our band broke up.

43. Few years after that, another band by the name of Nirvana emerged and they became really successful. I was really jealous, but whatever. This was the early 90s.

44. Tragedy also befell the frontman of this new Nirvana. Their drummer formed another band, Foo Fighters, which has become my favourite band.

45. I always already an old teenager and it was time to get my life together and stop chasing foolish dreams. My heart had become wild.

46. When my doctor diagnosed me with wild heart, she said I only had 200 years left to live.

47. I late found out she was a quack. Since then, I've never hired another duck as my doctor.

48. Her business card was cool. It was in the shape of a duck and said, "The Duckter is in the house!"

49. Weird thing was it had no contact info. Kinda inconvenient and impractical. It was later rumoured that she met an unfortunate end at Dilated's House of Duck in Peking.

50. And so, armed with a pen made out of ice, I decided to focus on my studies and lead a normal, respectable life of a male-enhanced scholar.

I shall continue the remaining 50 facts in a later entry.
All content copyright by dave. Please do not reproduce, recycle, or regurgitate without the express written consent of the CTU.
Rate this entry!
Recommended by 4 Members
randomjunk bluetopaz Zanzibar dont-see
5 Comments.


These are all pretty awesome but I think #13 and 14 are my favorites. XP
» randomjunk on 2010-08-07 10:41:10

I'm with Random. 11-14 got me to literally lol
» Dilated on 2010-08-08 03:29:17

You are the best.
» bluetopaz on 2010-08-08 05:41:14

I stamp 23-29 with a stamp of bona fide SCIENCE-FACT
» Zanzibar on 2010-08-08 08:17:24

This is quite entertaining.
» dont-see on 2010-08-14 02:57:38

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