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World History Part I: The Fall of Great Britain
by: dave

Back in the 17th century, Great Britain was the most powerful nation in all of the world. It's grass was always green, a telling sign of true prosperity. Walk down any street in Great Britain during those flourishing times and you could hear children singing, smell daffodil pies cooking, and feel the gentle breeze of good will.

How did Great Britain become so well off? Well, as any self-proclaimed real estate guru and historian would attest it, their success was due to LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION! You see, at the time, Britain was located about 50 miles south of the north pole. Due to the peculiar alignment of the Earth's axis of rotation at the time and the fact that the Sun had been revolving around Earth, Britain never experienced night time. The sun was out 24-7 in Britain. Ergo, the phrase "the sun never sets on the British Empire."

Due to the constant solar energy supplied to Britain, the country became incredibly energetic. These cosmic energy filtered down into its citizens, its economy, and its animals. As a result, British people were smarter and more productive than the rest of the world's people (except for the Chinese); likewise, it's economy thrived, their main source of agricultural export, the coconut and cherry, grew to the size of large, senile cattle.

France, a jealous neighbor, soon became bitter and enraged with envy. It sought to destroy the British Empire. Seeking it's greatest scientist Galileo, Franch soon discovered that there was only one way to destroy Britain's success--and that was to destroy it's source of power, the Sun.

Destroy the Sun! That would be crazy. All of Earth's life would be destroyed with that. France knew that, so it thought long and hard. In fact, for 40 days and 40 nights, France secluded itself in a tiny room to come up with a work-around.

Then one day, Eureka! France didn't have to destroy the Sun, but merely ensure that the geobalance between the Sun and Britain were offset, such that it was no longer day all the time in Britain.

France once again sought the wisdom of its master scientist, Sir Galileo. Together, they concocted a most brilliant and twisted plan. They would need to create an alternate source of light on Earth that equalled the magnitude of that on the Sun. As Newton discovered a century earlier, like repels like. Thus, the Sun's rays would push the Earth's torque against its gravitational threshold, thereby eliminating Great Britain's geographical vantage point.

As Galileo quickly calculated, this alternate source of light would need pi*r^2 amount of photonic energy (with r naturally being the distance from the Sun to the Earth in light years).

At that point in time, only one man on Earth knew how to create an alternate sustainable form of light energy of such enormity. That person was none other than Thomas Edison. Edison was a citizen of the United States, and like all Americans, was stubborn and refused to share its technology with an European nation.

There was a work around this minor setback, though. France just needed to coax Christopher Columbus, the inventor of America, to ask Edison of this favour. As we all know, the Americans all felt greatly indebted to Columbus for inventing the land they lived on.

And so, France went to Portugal, a small island off the southern tip of Africa to the mansion of Columbus. There, though, Christopher Columbus revealed a frightening secret. He did not invent America, as the rest of the world had been led to believe. Rather, the Indians invented America and Columbus merely stole the idea and patented it first. What a bastard!

France had met an unexpected pitfall. Realizing defeat, France grew forlorn and quiet and quickly became the crappiest country in the world.

Then it happened!

A young, ambitious lad by the name of Nostradamus was born. He was a magician--what many nonbelievers might call an illusionist. However, on July 4th, 1776, he pulled the greatest illusion this world has ever seen.

He fired a shot from his snub-nosed mach-88 rifle into the Sun. The bullet from his gun transfered all of the centripetal gravitational force from Earth into the Sun, thus causing Earth to start revolving around the Sun. Likewise, this sudden shift caused Britain to slide down on the globe, almost smashing into Europe. (The European nations were soo scared! You should've seen the looks on their faces.)

Britain's glory was thus instantaneously destroyed by "the shot heard around the world." The rest, as they say, is history.

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